Let those who fear the Lord say,
“His steadfast love endures forever.”
Last night, we cried. Not a childish, ‘Ow, I’ve been hurt’ cry. A good, wrenching, bottoming out, soul-cleansing cry. We cried, sobbed, prayed, sighed, and cried some more…
Out of my distress I called on the Lord;
the Lord answered me and set me free.
It’s been a long journey filled with ups and downs. Some spots have been harder than others. Some have been self-inflicted. But the past two weeks would count among the hardest times in this journey.
Natasha and I are both tired. The accumulation of 20 years pursuing this have worn me bare. The phrase ‘butter scraped over too much bread’ has gained intimate meaning for me. Natasha has supported me through all of this, through 4 years of late nights, weariness, frustration, peppered with many moments of joy. She has been a rock in the midst of a fierce and unyielding storm.
And that storm has been vehemently wearing us down. Our shores are worn and barren. The kids are showing signs that they really need time with their dad, something that I’ve sought to give them as much as humanly possible through this journey – not always successfully, but I’ve tried. And I’m two-and-a-half weeks from being able to given them all the time they can handle. But they need me now.
Olivia doesn’t say it, but you can see it. She wants some quiet moments.
Max doesn’t say it, but it comes out in his actions. He’s lonely running around. He wants daddy to run too…
Sophia says it. “Daddy, hold me.” “Daddy, sit on your yap [lap]?” This morning, she wouldn’t let go . . . but I had to, and I cried on the way to work, because I didn’t want to let go either…
Anastasia says it with her smile when I enter the room. Beaming from ear to ear when she sees me. Watching me eat. Watching my every move.
They need me.
And then there’s school – in the midst of life, family, work, I’m struggling with completing all that needs to be done, and now find myself pleading with a professor who sees no need to be gracious and understanding.
The Lord is on my side; I will not fear.
What can man do to me?
I’m tired. We’re tired.
Last night I uttered words that I’d hoped I never would. ‘What if I drop this class?’ Keep the class with the professor who is understanding, but drop the one class with the professor who shows no inkling of mercy.
“NO!”, she said. “Absolutely not!”, she cried.
Not this close, not when we’ve come so far. Two-and-a-half weeks. Seventeen days. ‘We can hold out that long’, she told me.
You are my God, and I will give thanks to you;
you are my God; I will extol you.
Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;
for his steadfast love endures forever!
God is GOOD. I’m thankful for my wife, my family, and dear friends.
Don`t give up though the pace seems slow–
You may succeed with another blow,
Success is failure turned inside out–
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you`re hardest hit–
It`s when things seem worst that you must not QUIT.